Coliseum Beach Hotel: Your ALL-INCLUSIVE Brazilian Paradise Awaits!
Alright, buckle up, Buttercups! Because this isn't your grandma's hotel review. We're diving headfirst into the ALL-INCLUSIVE, Brazilian Paradise of the Coliseum Beach Hotel, and I'm about to spill the caipirinhas on everything. Forget pristine prose – we're going for pure, unfiltered experience. Think less TripAdvisor, more… well, me after a week in the sun.
First, let's address the elephant – or should I say, the capybara – in the room: Accessibility. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me be serious for a minute. Accessibility is HUGE. And frankly, it can be seriously stressful if you're traveling with someone who needs it. I’m talking about:
Wheelchair Accessibility: Knowing is essential when you're planning your trip, and I can't stand it when places don't deliver.
Facilities for disabled guests: This could be a deal-breaker!
I will be looking to see what Coliseum Beach Hotel really offers, and how it measures up.
Okay, back to the fun! This is supposed to be a paradise, right? Let's see if it holds up.
Arrival & First Impressions (and a little panic)
Okay, so the airport transfer was a godsend. Jet lag + Brazilian traffic = not a good combo. Getting whisked away in a comfortable, air-conditioned car? Pure bliss. Found a place to park the car [free car park, baby!]. The "Concierge" looked super helpful, even though I was totally not prepared to speak anything beyond basic Portuguese. And the "Check-in/out [express]" option? Totally appreciated it after that flight. "CCTV in common areas" put me at ease. And "CCTV outside property" is a good thing too.
Then I got to the room.
Rooms & The "OMG" Factor (or Lack Thereof)
Now, about the rooms… They've got "non-smoking rooms" which are essential for me, since I can't stand cigarette smell. The "air conditioning" and "blackout curtains" are also non-negotiable in the Brazilian heat. The "bathtub" was inviting, and I thought the "bathrobes" were a nice touch. I loved having a "refrigerator," especially for that late-night agua com gas (sparkling water) fix. The "mini-bar," well, let's just say it came in handy… and I’d give anything for a free "bottle of water." "Wi-Fi [free]" is a lifesaver.
My Imperfect Moment: Now, about that "internet access – LAN"[Internet Access - LAN]… I'm not even sure what that is. I'm more of a "Wi-Fi [free]" kind of gal. And honestly, sometimes the "Internet access – wireless" felt a little spotty. But hey, you're in Brazil. Sometimes you just gotta let go of the digital tether and enjoy the… well, the thing.
Quirky Observation: The "mirror" was strategically placed to make me feel a little less guilty about the "desserts in restaurant" I’d already consumed. Smart.
Emotional Reaction: I LOVE the "soundproof rooms"! Seriously, peace and quiet after a day of beach volleyball is golden.
Room's Imperfections It wasn't perfect. I mean, the "carpeting" looked a little dated. The "coffee/tea maker" wasn't the fanciest. But hey, it was clean, comfortable, and had everything I needed. Like, a bed!
Dining, Drinking, & Snacking (My Favorite Part)
Alright, let's get to the good stuff. The food. It's ALL-INCLUSIVE, people! Which means… let's see… "Breakfast [buffet]"? Yes, please. "Lunch [buffet]"? You know it. "Dinner [buffet]"? Absolutely. And, thankfully, the "bottle of water" was free. That’s a big one.
Anecdote: I probably ate my weight in the "desserts in restaurant." Specifically, the brigadeiros (chocolate fudge balls). Pure, unadulterated, sugary heaven.
Opinionated Language: The "Asian cuisine in restaurant" wasn't mind-blowing, to be honest (sorry, chefs!). The "Western cuisine in restaurant" was solid, though. And, thank God, they had "vegetarian restaurant" options.
Messy Structure: Okay, so on the first day, I went ballistic at the “Happy hour.” And the "poolside bar" was pure temptation. I have a problem. I really do.
Okay, now for a stream-of-consciousness of the "Dining, drinking, and snacking"
- The Buffet: I can't get enough! "Breakfast [buffet]!" Fresh fruit, pastries… I mean, the "soup in restaurant" was surprisingly good.
- The Bars: "Poolside bar"? Heaven. "Bar"? Double heaven. "Happy hour"? Triple. The "bottle of water" was crucial.
- More food: I loved the "salad in restaurant," and even "desserts in restaurant" were well-worth it! "Desserts in restaurant". I feel no shame!
Things to Do & Ways to Relax (A bit of a blur…)
Okay, so they had a "swimming pool [outdoor]". They also had a "pool with view." Yes, please. I spent majority of my time in the pool, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. The "sauna" and "steamroom" (I have no idea how to use them).
- Emotional Reaction: The "massage"? OMG. That was the best part, you guys. Pure, utter, blissful relaxation. I almost fell asleep.
- Quirky Observation: They even had a "shrine"… I'm not religious, but I appreciated the gesture.
- Anecdote: One day, I made it to the "fitness center," but I was way more interested in the "poolside bar." Priorities, people!
And for the sake of being thorough, they have:
- "Body scrub", "Body wrap", "Spa", "Spa/sauna".
For the kids, they have:
- "Babysitting service", "Family/child friendly", "Kids facilities", "Kids meal".
Cleanliness & Safety (Important, but not super exciting)
Alright, let's get serious for a sec. "Cleanliness and safety" are paramount, even in paradise.
- Opinionated Language: I was actually really impressed by the "Staff trained in safety protocol." I mean, the whole thing felt reassuring. It was clean, it was safe, and I could actually relax.
- Important Note: "Anti-viral cleaning products," "Daily disinfection in common areas," "Rooms sanitized between stays," and "Sanitized kitchen and tableware items" - all very important in these crazy times. I got the feeling I was in safe hands.
Services & Conveniences (The Little Things That Matter)
- Anecdote: The "Concierge" was a lifesaver when I needed to book a taxi. The "Laundry service" was a miracle worker. And the "Invoice provided" for my trip felt professional.
- Quirky Observation: The "Gift/souvenir shop" was a dangerous place for me. I still have a fridge magnet!
Getting Around (Easy Peasy)
- Opinionated Language: The "Airport transfer" was amazing. The only way to go, really.
For all the details:
- "Air conditioning in public area", "Audio-visual equipment for special events", "Business facilities", "Cash withdrawal", "Contactless check-in/out", "Convenience store", "Currency exchange", "Daily housekeeping", "Doorman", "Dry cleaning", "Elevator", "Essential condiments", "Food delivery", "Gift/souvenir shop", "Indoor venue for special events", "Invoice provided", "Ironing service", "Laundry service", "Luggage storage", "Meeting/banquet facilities", "Meetings", "Meeting stationery", "On-site event hosting", "Outdoor venue for special events", "Projector/LED display", "Safety deposit boxes", "Seminars", "Shrine", "Smoking area", "Terrace", "Wi-Fi for special events", "Xerox/fax in business center", "For the kids", "Babysitting service", "Family/child friendly", "Kids facilities", "Kids meal", "Getting around", "Airport transfer", "Bicycle parking", "Car park [free of charge]", "Car park [on-site]", "Car power charging station", "Taxi service", "Valet parking".
The Verdict: Should You Go? (HELL YES!)
The Coliseum Beach Hotel isn't perfect. But it's real. It's fun. It's relaxing. And, most importantly, it's ALL-INCLUSIVE. You don't have to think. You just have to enjoy. The staff are friendly, there are lots of options
Escape to Paradise: Your Dreamy Port Vell Apartment Awaits!
Okay, buckle up, buttercups! This isn't your glossy brochure itinerary. This is… well, this is me, planning a trip to the Coliseum Beach Hotel All Inclusive in Brazil. God help us all.
The Great Brazilian Adventure (aka "Pray For My Liver")
Day 1: Arrival – "Chaos, Camisas, and Caipirinhas of Doom"
- 7:00 AM (ish) – Departure from Reality (London Heathrow): Ugh. Early flights. The pre-vacation anxiety is already kicking in. I’m pretty sure I forgot to pack my toothbrush. And my sanity.
- 9:00 AM (ish) – Heathrow Hell: Navigating the airport with the grace of a newborn giraffe. Found my gate eventually. Made a pact with myself: no screaming children on the plane. (Spoiler alert: that didn't last.)
- 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM (ish) – Flight of the Bumblebee (or, rather, a Boeing 7… something): Plane food! I have to admit, the orange juice was pretty good, but the tiny, pre-wrapped croissant was, let's just say, not a gastronomic highlight. Attempted to watch a movie. Failed. Fell asleep drooling, probably snoring.
- 3:00 PM (Brazil Time, Thank God): Landed in… somewhere in Brazil! Feeling a mix of jet lag and utter bewilderment. The heat hits you like a… well, like a tropical heatwave, duh. Customs? A delightful ballet of sweating and lost Portuguese translations. My luggage, miraculously, appeared. (Fingers crossed for the return flight.)
- 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: The Transfer! The hotel shuttle was… colorful. Let’s just say it had seen better days, and the driver’s playlist was a fever dream of Brazilian pop that I couldn't understand, but strangely, weirdly, loved.
- 6:00 PM – CHECK-IN CHAOS! Okay, so the hotel looks exactly like the pictures – bright, breezy, and probably air-conditioned, thank God. The reception staff were lovely, bless their cotton socks, but the check-in process was a comedy of errors. Lost a key card, nearly lost the will to live, finally got my key. Room is… well, it's a room! With a balcony! And hopefully, a working air conditioner.
- 7:00 PM – The Food Assault (aka Dinner): Buffet time! This is where it all goes downhill (or uphill, depending on your perspective). Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Mountains of food. Seafood, pasta, salads, mysterious brown sauces… I bravely navigated the culinary jungle, piling my plate high with… something. Tried the local beer. Excellent. Two more, maybe? Pretty solid start.
- 8:00 PM – The Caipirinha Trial by Fire: The bar. The moment of truth. Ordered a caipirinha. The bartender, a cheeky grin on his face, asked if I wanted a "strong one." I, of course, being a champion of questionable decisions, said yes. Holy moly. That was one strong caipirinha. One became two, and then… well, let's just say things got blurry.
- 9:00 PM - ??? – Post-Caipirinha Revelations and Bedtime: Stumbled back to the room, attempted to text everyone I know about my culinary adventures. Found myself staring at the ceiling, contemplating the meaning of life and the questionable wisdom of ordering strong caipirinhas. Passed out. Praying I don't wake up with a raging hangover.
Day 2: Beach Bombs and Buffet Battles
- 8:00 AM (ish) – The Morning After (and the Glorious Beach): Woke up with a tiny, persistent headache. But the balcony! The view! Ocean! This is why I'm here. Spent a good half-hour just breathing and smiling.
- 9:00 AM – Breakfast… Again: Back to the breakfast buffet. This time, armed with the wisdom of my previous food choices. Or at least, I thought I was. The temptation to try everything is real. The fresh fruit was a godsend. The coffee? Strong enough to raise the dead.
- 10:00 AM – Beach Bliss (and the Perils of Sunscreen): Hit the beach. Gorgeous! The sand is like powdered sugar. The ocean is warm and inviting. Spent the morning swimming, people-watching, and battling the ever-present sun. Applied about two gallons of sunscreen, burned in strategic places. The ocean waves trying to knock me over: it was a good workout.
- 12:00 PM – Lunch (or, The Second Buffet Battle): Back to the food. This time, even more overwhelmed. Ate a salad that tasted suspiciously of the ocean. Worth it.
- 1:00 PM – Naptime (and the Eternal Struggle with a Beach Hammock): Found a hammock. The hammock and I had a very public, very awkward relationship.
- 3:00 PM – Brazilian Adventures (aka the Day of the Double-Down): The afternoon was all about embracing the local rhythm. I heard a word I now use all the time 'descanso'. Taking 'descanso' (rest) is very important. That afternoon, I saw locals dancing. So I joined. Oh. My. God. They're good.
- 6:00 PM – Sunset Spectacle and a Moment of Zen: Watched the sunset from the beach. Breathtaking. The sky exploded in colors. Found myself feeling strangely peaceful. For five minutes.
- 7:00 PM – Dinner – Round 3: Back to the buffet. Faced my fears. Had a pasta dish the chef insisted was a local recipe. It was… interesting.
- 8:00 PM – The Bar Returns (And the Caipirinhas Again): Evening drinks. The caipirinhas were calling my name. Managed to pace myself a little better this time.
- 9:00 PM - Bedtime Watching a show in the hotel. Realized just now I didn't even know there was a show going on!
(Continued Ramblings… Because Real Life is Messy…)
- Important observations: Brazilians are incredibly friendly. And stylish. And they dance all the time. The language barrier is real, but somehow, you figure things out. The water is amazing.
- Imperfections: The air conditioning in my room is… temperamental. There's a constant hum from the generator. Mosquitoes have discovered and love my blood. I seem to have developed a deep and abiding love for cheese.
- Emotional Reactions: Every day is a roller coaster of joy, confusion, contentment, and occasional existential dread. I love it! I'm exhausted. I'm probably going to get sunburned again. I am so happy.
- Quirks: I feel like I am now officially addicted to Caipirinhas. I am wearing the same clothes I packed a week ago. I am starting to understand a little bit of Portuguese but mostly I smile and shrug.
- The Single Experience Doubled-Down: The Buffet: Forget anything else. The buffet is the heart of this adventure. It is glorious and terrible all at once. I have become one with the buffet. I find myself comparing every single thing in my life to some aspect of the buffet life. The sheer variety. The chaos. The delicious-ness. I must stay a little longer…
Day 3: Beach, Pool, Samba, and… More Buffet?
- Beach, pool, read a book, attempted to learn the basics of Samba. Fell apart.
- Buffet (x4 times)
- Watched a show and went to sleep.
Day 4, 5, & 6: More of the same. The life.
Day 7: The Departure (and the Sorrow)
- 7:00 AM: Packing. The saddest moment.
- 8:00 AM: Breakfast. The last feast.
- 9:00 AM: Last swim.
- 10:00 AM: The transfer. Sad.
- 12:00 PM: The flight.
- Back home: What's real?
Final Thoughts (Probably Incoherent):
This trip… it was… something. It was a messy, beautiful, chaotic, exhausting, wonderful experience. I came, I saw, I ate way too much. I danced terribly. I drank even more. I fell in love with Brazil. I am definitely going back. Maybe.
And, as always, pray for my liver.
Hilton Culver City: LA's Chicest Escape (Luxury Awaits!)
Coliseum Beach Hotel: Your Brazilian Paradise… or Not? (FAQs – Because Let's Be Real)
Okay, so… is it REALLY all-inclusive? Like, *actually* all-inclusive? I'm a picky eater.
Alright, deep breaths, picky eater. Yes, technically, it's ALL-inclusive. But let's get one thing straight: ALL-INCLUSIVE in Brazil *might* mean something different than you picture. The food situation? It's… varied. Think buffet. Mountains of it. Rows upon rows of… stuff. You *will* find something edible. I, personally, survived solely on the grilled fish and the surprisingly excellent (and abundant) caipirinhas. My friend Brenda, however? She spent the entire first day muttering about the “mystery meats” and ended up mostly eating rice. So, manage your expectations. And bring some emergency granola bars. Just in case. Oh, and the ice cream? Frequently melted into a slushy apocalypse. But free slushies, right?
The pictures look amazing! Is the beach *actually* that beautiful?
Oh, the pictures… they're… well, they’re *pictures*. The beach? Yeah, it's good. Really good. White sand, you know the drill. That turquoise water? It's a mood. But… and there's always a but, isn't there? Sometimes there's seaweed. A LOT of seaweed. And the vendors on the beach? Oh, the vendors. Imagine a constant, friendly hum of "Coconuts? Brazilians? Massaaaage?" They're persistent. They're enthusiastic. They're… everywhere. But hey, that's part of the experience, right? Just be prepared to politely, and repeatedly, decline the crocheted trinkets. Brenda almost bought a starfish. Almost. I saved her.
What's the vibe like? Is it… rowdy? Relaxed? Somewhere in between?
The vibe? Ah, the vibe. It's a very… *Brazilian* vibe. Which means… unpredictable. One minute you're basking in serene relaxation, sipping a caipirinha (see my earlier mention of the caipirinhas, because, seriously, they’re important), the next you're dodging a conga line led by someone wearing a ridiculously oversized hat and doing a questionable rendition of "Copacabana." Be prepared for music. Loud music. All the time. It’s… energetic, let’s say that. More often than not, it's a lot of fun. Just… be prepared to embrace the chaos. Or, you know, hide in your room with earplugs. Your choice.
Okay, I'm a little concerned about customer service. What's that like?
Customer service? Okay, here we go… Let's just say they're… friendly. Very friendly. But sometimes… a little… disorganized. You might have to ask for something multiple times. You might get a blank stare when you ask for something, even if it *should* be easy. The language barrier can be a real thing. Sometimes, you just have to laugh. Like the time I asked for extra towels and ended up getting… a banana. A single, solitary banana. I still don't understand. But hey, at least I got a snack? They try. They really, really try. Just pack your patience. And maybe learn some basic Portuguese phrases. "Por favor" goes a long way.
The pool? Give me the lowdown on the pool.
The pool... Ah, the pool. It's… a pool. A pretty decent-sized pool, actually. It's saltwater, which I personally love. But… it's also where everyone congregates. ALL the time. Loud music, splashing, inflatable flamingoes... if you’re looking for a quiet, meditative swim, this ain’t it. You'll be dodging toddlers, bumping into couples making out, and dodging stray pool noodles. It's more of a social experience than a swimming one. But, again, caipirinhas are served poolside. So, there's that. Just don't expect to get any actual *swimming* done amidst the aquatic chaos. Unless you count dog paddling away from aggressive children.
What about the rooms? Are they… clean? And what's the wifi situation?
The rooms… they're… functional. Clean-ish. The cleaning staff does their best, bless their hearts. But you might find a stray ant or two. Or a mysterious stain on the bedspread. Embrace the imperfections, I say! They add character. The wifi, however, is a different story. Prepare for intermittent connectivity. Expect to spend a lot of time staring at your phone, willing those bars to return. I spent a good portion of my trip wandering around the lobby, chasing that glorious signal. I saw Brenda practically live at the lobby just so she could upload her Instagram photos (which, by the way, looked *amazing*). So, download your movies beforehand and embrace the digital detox. You might actually enjoy it. (Okay, I didn't, really— but Brenda seemed happy.) And the air conditioning? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Have fun!
Is there anything beyond the beach and the hotel? Things to do?
Yes! Technically. There are excursions offered. You know, boat trips, city tours. But be prepared for… well, more unpredictability! The boat trip I went on (against Brenda's better judgement, bless her) turned into a six-hour marathon of sunburn and seasickness. It was supposed to be a dolphin watching tour. We saw… some seagulls. And the "historic city tour" involved a lot of driving and very little actual historical information. But, again, it's an adventure, right? Embrace the unexpected. Or better yet, just stick to the beach and the caipirinhas. You'll be fine.
Alright, last question: Would you go back?
Honestly? Yeah, I probably would. Despite the questionable food, the wifi woes, and the occasional banana-related confusion. Because, amidst the chaos and the imperfections, there's a certain charm to the Coliseum Beach Hotel. It's a quirky, imperfect slice of Brazilian life. The sunsets are breathtaking. The caipirinhas are strong. The people are friendly (even when they're giving you a banana instead of towels). And, hey, you might even find yourself making some memories (and enduring some sunburn) that you'll be laughing about for years to come. Brenda is already planning our return trip. Send help!
